The energy it takes to date men is beyond anything I was ready for. This week I had a beach date with a guy who, on paper, checked every box I could imagine. The day before, we’d been texting and voice noting nonstop. He was tall, handsome, a small-town BC boy with a truck and a solid job.
After a couple of hours of chatting and a quick swim, I walked away thinking this man was a real contender, the best I’ve seen so far. I kissed him on his way out, already curious where things might go. And then… silence.
The next night, I got the classic “misaligned values” text. Just like that. No follow-up date, no real conversation, just a full stop.
I’m at such a loss. How do you go from saying the same things, articulating feelings so clearly, and then pulling the plug before there’s even a chance to see what’s real? It boggles my mind, and honestly, it’s fucking disheartening.
It’s a hard one to swallow. I keep trying to temper my expectations because, up until now, it’s always ended in disappointment. This time I really thought it was different. Nope.
Dating feels like a cycle of hope, spark, and sudden collapse, and each time, it takes a little more energy to keep showing up.
Why Commitment Feels Like a Ghost Story
This cycle isn’t just me, it’s a running theme in the gay community. So why is commitment such a struggle?
Fear of vulnerability. Many gay men grow up hiding parts of themselves, learning early that showing too much is risky. That doesn’t just switch off when you start dating. When someone shows up with genuine interest, it can trigger fear, better to pull away than risk being exposed.
Endless choice. Apps have turned dating into shopping. Why settle when another option is one swipe away? The idea of “better” is always dangling just out of reach, making it easier to move on than to lean in.
Shame in the shadows. Even after coming out, a lot of us wrestle with internalized shame. Real commitment requires confronting those old scars. That takes work many aren’t ready for, so they choose casual, surface-level encounters instead.
Not ready, not honest. Sometimes the truth is simpler: someone isn’t in a place to commit. But instead of saying, “I’m not ready,” they wrap it up in a vague “misaligned values” text, leaving the other person confused and gutted.
The Emotional Cost
The hardest part isn’t the rejection itself. It’s the cycle of hope, spark, and sudden collapse. You show up, you give energy, you believe this one might be different. Then the rug gets pulled before it even has a chance to be real.
Dating feels like taking double shots of espresso: quick hits of energy and promise, followed by a crash that leaves you more drained than before. And yet, somehow, we keep showing up, because hope, even fragile, is still hope.
Single Dad, Double Espresso 
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